Setting Rules For Couples

On one of our first trips to a swingers club, my wife and I were asked by a more experienced couple "what are your guy's rules?". Our response was that we had not talked about it yet. This couple told us "do yourselves a favor and don't play with anyone until you have both sat down and agreed upon a set of rules". This simple statement proves to be one of the best pieces of advice that any experienced swinger can give to a couple new to the lifestyle.




Even though swinging is about freedom to many people, rules are critical to ensure that everyone has an enjoyable experience, and that the core relationship is not unnecessarily stressed. Every couple is different, and we are all looking for different things in the lifestyle. There are no set rules that work for everyone, the key is to talk and communicate with your partner to determine what works for your relationship.


Once you have your rules, its also important to talk about how firm those rules are. For some couples, some rules have zero exceptions, while others are more of a "try not to do that to much". I am sure you are thinking "what good is a rule that you both intend of breaking every now and then?", so I will give an example that works for my wife and I. Mrs. Penguin and I have a "don't kiss anyone but eachother" rule. For us, this is a soft limit rule, and we are both OK with occasional slip ups. We know that in the heat of the moment sometimes you just cant help yourself, and kissing is going to happen. The goal in our case is to keep it to a minimum. Neither of us mind if the other occasionally kisses someone else, but neither of us want to look over our shoulder at the club and see our spouse making out with someone else. This rule ensures that we both stay within our comfort zone.

The help kick off your conversation with your spouse, here are some questions to ask each other when you talk about your rules. Some of these questions may seem a bit trivial, and you might even wonder "who on earth would have that rule?", but every single one of these questions should be answered before you start playing with others. This list is by no means all inclusive, but will hopefully give you a good starting point for finding out what rules work within your relationship.

1. Are we comfortable playing in separate rooms, or are we only comfortable playing in the same room together.
2. Are we comfortable with going full swap, or are we only willing to soft swap, or even only watch?
3. Are condoms always mandatory?
4. It the man allowed to cum inside another woman, or are other men allowed to cum inside the woman?
5. Are you and your partner comfortable with the other spouse climaxing with someone else, or should you return to your own partners before climax?
6. Are you comfortable with your partner kissing others?
7. If you play separately, do both partners need to approve all encounters in advance? Do both partners need to tell the other partner about every encounter?
8. What physically are you ok with your partner doing with others? Oral play? Vaginal play? Anal play? Bondage? Don't leave anything a question mark, set clear boundaries on this one (anything goes is an acceptable boundary, as long as you are both in 100% agreement on that)
9. Is same sex play ok for one or both partners?
10. How will you and your partner determine who you want to play with? What is your process for deciding who to invite to play? What is your process for accepting or rejecting an offer to play?
11. How will you let your partner know if you are uncomfortable with something that is going on? Will you use a safe word to let them know discreetly?
12. Who in your life are you comfortable with knowing about your swinging? Many swingers are deep "in the closet", while others let everyone they meet know about it. Be sure to talk about this in advance.
13. As a couple, how voyeuristic are you willing to be? Are you comfortable with playing in the open at a club or in a group play room, or should all playing occur in a private room?
14. If you feel that it is time to change a rule, what is the process? Can it be discussed on the spot, or should you wait until a different time, in complete private to discuss the change?"


Every couple is different, and we all have different needs, but most couples do benefit from establishing rules, and I strongly recommend talking with your partner to determine what is best for you.

If you have found any rules that work well in your relationship, and would like to share them, please feel free to add them to the comments section!